11.Waste of Paint
I have a friend, he is made mostly of pain. He wakes up, drives
to work,
and then straight back home again. He once cut one of my
nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense of color and composition
so magnificent.
And he said 'Thank you, please but your flattery is truly not
becoming me.
Your eyes are poor. You are blind. You see, no beauty could have
come from me.
I am a waste of breath, of space, of time.'
I knew a woman, she was dignified and true. Her love for her man
was one of her many virtues.
Until one day, she found out that he had lied and decided the
rest of her life,
from that point on would be a lie. But she was grateful for
everything that had happened.
And she was anxious for all that would come next. But then she
wept.
What did you expect？ In that big, old house with all those cars
she kept.
'Oh!' and 'such is life,' she often said. With one day leading
her to the next,
you get a little closer to your death, which was fine with her.
She never got upset and with all the days she may have left,
she would never clean another mess or fold his shirts or look
her best.
She was free to waste away alone.
Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove. And this cop
pulled him off to the side of the road.
And he said, 'Officer! Officer! You have got the wrong man.
No, no, I'm a student of medicine, the son of a banker, you
don't understand!'
The cop said, 'No one got hurt, you should be thankful. And you
carelessness,
it is something awful. And no, I can't just let you go. And
though your father's name is known,
your decisions are yours alone. You are nothing but a stepping
stone
on a path to debt, to loss, to shame.'
The last few months I have been living with this couple.
Yeah, you know, the kind that buy everything in doubles. They
fit together, like a puzzle.
I love their love and I am thankful that someone actually
receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales
that drugged us.
And they still do me. I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just
green envy.
Will my number come up eventually？ Like Love is some kind of
lottery,
where you can scratch and see what is underneath. It's 'Sorry',
just one cherry, 'Play Again.' Get lucky.
So I have been hanging out down by the train's depot. No, I
don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there. They remind me of wind up
cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it is all nonsense.
And that their lives are one track, and can't they see how it is
all pointless？
But then, my knees give under me. My head feels weak and
suddenly it is clear to see that it is not them but me, who has
lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology
that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me.
And everything I have is trite and cheap and a waste of paint,
of tape, of time.
Sometimes I park my car down my the cathedral, where floodlights
point up at the steeples.
Choir practice is filling up with people. I hear the sound
escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle. When voices blend they
sound like angels.
I hope there is still some room left in the middle.
But when I lift my voice up now to reach them. The range is too
high, way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue, forget the song, tie my shoe and start
walking off.
And try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my
absent God
and I have no faith but it is all I want, to be loved ad believe
in my soul.
| 
